Under the holiday lights

A cold, snowy, winter night…I’m standing in front of an old watch shop..hypnotically looking at the Christmas tree in the window. Unusual rustic tree, decorated with ornaments in the shapes of different type of clocks. I like this window, it is the only window in town that doesn’t want to escape or trick time… it celebrates it. Next to the tree, in the small golden frame,  stands the old reproduction of the J.M.W. Turner’s “Sun Setting Over a Lake”. I love this painting, when you looking at it you can almost taste the light, so abundant and alive, like you can warm up on it. The only ordinary thing in this setting is a string of flashing red lights, that persistently die and being reborn in a second. In this unsuccessful attempt to overshadow its surrounding, they look sad and pathetic, but that’s the thing with almost everything during this time of year.  I’m staring at the face of a physical form of time, that grins at me through the walls of the old watch shop, thinking am I man or a fraction of time.

My mind is my battlefield, where my mixed feelings try to conquer the general mood.  The merciless duality that embraces my inner child who catches snowflakes with an open mouth and a gloomy man sitting in the dark corner of New Year’s office party. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde incorporated in my subconsciousness, relentlessly plotting against each other…

On a constant seesaw between what I want and what I should do… I stand…I breathe…I am…

The battle is long and bloody and like a deserter, cowardly, I escape it. First I walk, then I run and finally I fly, fly on the wings of my thoughts. Thoughts, fragments of freedom, that repeatedly hit the inside walls of my mind and soul, echoing through my entire body. My thoughts, my birds, unforgiving keepers of my deepest secrets. They wisely escape the cage of  everyday life and cunningly steel the pieces of eternity. They fly whenever they want, usually to the ones that they shouldn’t, very rarely to the ones they supposed to. My thoughts, my autonomy, my saviours.

So, tonight, under the holiday lights, in front of the old watch shop, standing on the cold empty street, I’m deciding whether I love or hate and the only certainty that I’m feeling is the emotion  that echoes through my body, a resonating desire of my very own holidays, a desire to die in your arms and resurrect on your cherry lips…